A Study on The Merits of Marriage or … in other words “Fuck Matrimony!”


The glowing bride and the handsome groom are both symbols of happiness and prosperity. A wedding is one of the most magical and revered ceremonies of a person’s life. Today it is touted as an institution of love subsidized by tax breaks by the government and some would say sanctioned by the Creator himself. Let’s take a closer look at this wonderful union to determine if this is truly Blessing from on high or a curse from below.


Part I Natural Monogamy

The story of mating in the world of mammals is mostly polygynous ( male mates multiple females ) or promiscuous ( males and females mating with multiple partners). This is advantageous to the male because he can potentially impregnate multiple females while the female bare the cost of gestation, lactation, and nursing the young. Ah nature is cold motherfucker. Yet despite this advantage some mammalian males have developed monogamous tendencies. 3 percent of the mammalian species present monogamous behavior.
The origins of monogamy seem to be up for debate in the scientific community. One of the more popular explanations flying around is that monogamy developed to protect and help raise the baby offspring. The importance of the male staying to protect his young as it matures is significant to the survival of his genetic legacy because female mammals do not mate while nursing and when other males come in the first of order of business is to correct this little problem of the non-horny-milf by killing the baby and this will prompt the former mother to ovulate again. This sort gruesome style of courtship becomes more common when there are less females available. Nature is a cold motherfucker, even when it comes hollering at females. This murderous baby killing can be countered if there is the bad-ass father still around to defend his adorable little bundle of joy rather than gallivanting through the forest. For species in this situation, the offspring of present fathers will yield a higher survival rate than the offspring of absentee fathers. Even if the absentee father can impregnate multiple mothers through out his lifetime his absentee behavior will often allow other wayward males kill his genetic legacy and he will have eroded his influence that species gene pool. The male that sticks around and ensure his offspring survives until it is strong enough to no longer need to be cared for will have a greater chance of the offspring survive to mate and have offspring of their own and become a granddad. This type of male will have a stronger influence on the gene pool and this behavior will be reinforced by his descendants. There are strong indications that this macabre stress of infant death is the driving selective force mammalian and more specifically primate monogamy. Hey ya’ll if you had an active dad in your life how about giving him a call and telling him thanks for protecting you from getting your neck snapped by some random horny dude. I’m getting choked up.

Part II: Marriage

Perhaps monogamy appears in other species but we have an institutional monogamy in marriage where often it seems to be fundamental of a many society through out the globe. The likely answer after a little internet investigation in this bloggers tiny mind…Agriculture! Plough agriculture to be more specific. According to renown anthropologist Jack Goody’ there a statistical correlation between monogamy and the development of intensive plough agriculture in those areas. Plough agriculture require a division of labor where the heavy plowing is primarily a man’s duty and women tend to child rearing and preparation of meals. Also to benefit from the labor, the hard working families must remain on the land for long periods to gather harvest. You see where this going right folks? Agriculture appears to be correlative with the onset of the concept of land owner ship. Because of this early marriage had the function of to keeping the property within the nuclear family and therefore secure genetic heir-ship of the land. Genetic testing of global human genetic diversity argued that sexual polygyny was typical of human reproductive patterns until the shift to sedentary farming communities approximately 10,000 to 5,000 years ago in Europe and Asia, and more recently in Africa So during the rock and roll hunter gatherer days it appears that only a few males around were alpha enough to bash skulls, earn tail, and have children. As farming became a dominant form of food production , securing ownership of land and back breaking labor of farming left for little time on the schedule for our barbaric forefathers to sling dick to wide as they use to in those hunter gather days. this created a vacuum and allowed other types of males to get it in too, and broadened the male gene pool of the species. By default, due to the labor and lack of free time, it appears that the most common and adaptive sequence of families were one father and one mother and their children. This adaptive social formula became the basic family unit for villages, cities, and societies. Of course, this behavior was soon elevated to the status of virtue by these societies and furthermore religion was attached to it protect it and also control it.
As I sit in an air conditioned room in 2015 I still have the mounting pressure from my family to get married. I don’t believe any my ancestors have used a plough in several generations and my experiences in agriculture don’t go any further eating salad . I have no land to secure for food. I do not need a large tight knit family group to help work the land. I have no interest passing down land to any potential children. Despite the absence stated forces that make marriage a requirement for survival the social pressure to be married is still hot on my trails. It is still seen as a virtue and you better believe that religion heavily encourages and influences marriage to this day.

In a first world country like the U.S most people do not farm because we have industrialized food to such a level that you are more likely to die from disease borne of over indulgence rather than starvation, and although property is still a feature, it is not deciding factor of survival as it would have been thousands of years ago. Marriage continues to be viewed in high regards. Its an informal requirement for presidency. It’s incentivized with several benefits by the government. Even modern fiction and media often tells stories finishing in a happy wedding. The need for marriage may be gone but the hype for it lives on. Let’s perform dissection on this institution in its most current form to establish if it is at least still benefits us,

Part I: LOVE
The incentives to get married get today are as poorly thought out as they are numerous. The most mysterious, in this man’s opinion, is because you love each other. This suggest that unless two alleged lovebirds sign a document sanctioned by the governing body, with implied penalties in the case that the two parties no longer want to be with each other ,then somehow that their affection for each other is suspect. Should the fortune of finding someone to be in love with enough? I suppose love is not so much about a desire to be with each and more about enchaining each other from ever leaving each other in case that desire evaporates.
What is love anyway? Its a word used so often the word barely means anything any more.
• I love you guys
• I love this movie
• I love cheese
• Luv’ ya
• I love you, Amidala.
There! That last one had the heaviness and sincerity in the word that I was looking for. We are talking about the classic romantic love between 2 people. To figure out the basis for this love we have to look at its hallmarks. Seems that love has something to do with sex, something to do with a desire to be with that person and pursuing mutual interest through long term continued interaction. Many studies describe love as being compartmentally broken down into 3 aspects
The first stage is lust. This is described as initial pull of desire to a new partner. It is the sexual drive that lures you to another person. It is the magical spark that may lead to many bad decisions. But it isn’t magical at all. The driving force of lust are spiked levels of hormones, most notably testosterone and estrogen, that ramp up the desire to commit acts of passion on each other with very little sober judgment being used. Like Bruce banner after a night of hulking out, confusion and regret are common by-product when lust’s spell has finally worn off.
If the sex is good enough and the personalities are sufficiently compatible, there may be no regret of the activities in the lust stage and the couple can make it this next level called attraction. This is defined as the “falling in love stage”. During this stage a person cannot think of anything other than their mates. When they are near their mate they experience extreme feelings of euphoria spurred forward by the pleasure center of the brain. the Person becomes so focused on their significant other they may even neglect to eat sometimes. at this stage the couple is literally addicted to each other. I mean Addicted like addicted to “Cocaine” or “Nicotine” or MDMA ( molly if you were born after 1993) .The neurotransmitters that are involved in the pleasurable and addictive feeling related to these drugs play a similar pattern as they do when a person is in this stage. under this perspective love seems more like a neurological/emotional impairment than a virtuous. Isn’t it funny, there are so many proverbs and clichés advising you not to make decisions when angry because your thinking is clouded by flight or fight mechanism of your brain’s amygdala but when you are in love, that is when your judgment has been high jacked by the addictive reward neurotransmitters presented by your significant other, society celebrates your decisions when they are based on this compromised state,
The final stage of love is called Attachment. This is the long term bonding that attraction will hopefully lead to. The attachment stage can last many years. It is characterized by two hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is hormone that helps induce a woman into labor and also facilitate parental bond for infants. That is especially important when considering, in the animal kingdom, human babies have the survive-ability of a snow flake in hell. High levels of oxytocin are also found in couples during and after sex. The hormone encourages continued bonding within relationship for many years. Vasopressin is another hormone that also promotes bonding. It is primarily found in men. It also stimulates aggressive behavior towards other rival males. There you go the mountain top of love is reaching a steady flow of these hormones. Nothing magical.

Our biological predisposition to fall in love and bond should be no surprise after all we are social creatures and our survival is based on being able to connect with each other. We did not get to over 6 billion strong without this drive to connect and bond. If this is innate in quality of the human experience then why would we need a legal contract between couple for some thing that is as natural as boner on a catholic priest watching little rascal re-runs? Well it’s because falling in a passionate love happens but falling out of passion happens as well.

The Coolidge effect is a phenomenon in which male mammal’s exhibit reduced sexual interest over time when exposed to the same receptive female mate. Then miraculously when a new receptive female is introduced to the male, his dick is reinvigorated and he can take his new girl on magic carpet ride .There is even empirical data to support this. Scientist has collected data of this through experiments with mice. A male mouse could not be bothered to bang receptive eligible lady mouse that he has had a history of banging already. The neglected females would even nudge the little fella and probably even did a little mouse stripper twerking action too… But the little guy could not be bothered to perform. After noting this scientist would introduce a fresh new female mow to the environment and tadaaaaa!) the male mouse can’t keep his paws off the new Minnie and the lab halls are once again serenaded by the amorous squeaks. Scientist state that this is most common throughout the mammalian male world but even females exhibit a mild erosion of sexual interest with familiar male sexual partners over a period of time as well.

Monogamy in the animal kingdom has al little secret. As rare as it already is it is also temporary. It lasts about as long as it takes for the offspring of the species to become independent that means usually around the time junior stops needing to breast feed. Once the bundle of joy is strong enough to run around and leave the den, the parents usually split and find different mates to start a new cycle.
Does this sound familiar? Damn straight it does. People gradually lose interest in each other sexually over a period of time. According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fischer divorces tend to spike at the fourth year of the marriage. This right around the time most kids have completely stopped breast feeding and no longer needs a nursing mother. When the sex has lost fire and the kid survivability is made stable, many couples call it quits and the parties run off to find new partners. The marriage contract attempts to be an artificial bind despite our natural proclivity to fall in and out of love. The marriage contract is not so much a statement of love but person to person handcuff that couples naively and arrogantly wear because they hope and think that they can hold back the tidal wave of millions of years of evolution with a magic ring.


The other common maxim of marriage is that the married live longer than single people. I have heard this so often but never understood where this tired old saying comes from or how they came to this conclusion. I just accepted it. But after sniffing around on the great brain we call Google, it appears that the connection between long life and marriage is mostly correlative not causal. Indeed there are statistics of married people outliving single people but that is more of statement of the social support that another loving human being in your life can provide rather than a unique quality of marriage. According to the studies married people tend to eat healthier, keep regular doctors appointments and follow medical recommendations at a higher rate then singles. These benefits are more definitive in men. The difference between single, married, or divorced women seems negligible at best and in some studies it appears that single and divorced women live longer. So being strong independent woman seems to have quite the health pay off.

But enough about the dames! Fellas, marriage does correlate with good health but keep in mind its because having a partner in your life to motivate you to healthy behaviors such as eating healthy and following up with your medical appointment. These behaviors are a far more proximal cause to good health and longevity than the marriage itself. If you can go to the gym with a friend and do the exact same exercise with the exact same vigor as you would if was to work out alone then you should expect the same result with or without your friend. You are being pushed into healthy behavior… like a good little lap dog. Men who are able to maintain a healthy lifestyle while being single should expect comparable health and longevity as married house-broken men.

Divorced men…sigh…the prognosis is no Buenos amigo. The pet analogy I’ve been throwing is even more poignant when looking at the health stats and longevity stats of divorced men. Statistically, Divorced men might as well be inbred, diabetic, cross-eyed poodles abandoned in the wilderness. It’s only a matter of time before they get choked to death by a beaver or drown in a shallow lake… (RIP Bandit and Fido). Studies present that these poor bastards die sooner than those who never married at all. When you consider the 50/50 chance of your marriage ending divorce you are literally playing Russian roulette with 3 bullets in your six-shooter.


Marriage has two major ways out once you are trapped in this matrimonial madhouse. The first way is actually the intended final destination of this voyage of the damned. That’s right folks! Until death do you Apart! If everything works out in a marriage then you will win the privilege of being buried by your wife or perhaps burying your wife….and for the ultra rare jackpot of both spouses dying simultaneously.. Ahem well you can be buried by you wife. y’ know in the adjacent burial plots.. This is the best case ending to your marriage by the way. Its best way because through death the madness is finally over you are finally free of each other.

The second way is of course divorce. For the low cost of a sleazy lawyer, tedious filing, oddly cruel court costs of your state you can end your marriage. This is where for many that the nightmare begins. In many states if you’ve been married for at least 10 years former spouses can be eligible for Alimony. This means that the breadwinner of the couple could be held responsible submitting over 50% of his or her (…eye roll) income to support your ex as she’s high five-ing her skanky ass friend! If your dependent ex never remarries, you may have to continue to submit almost half your income for the rest of your life. If you think you can say “go fuck yourself I ain’t paying shit!”, well you will be sent to jail in contempt of court well there is a high chance you will have your prostate checked by a person without a medical license. But that is of course to be expected for such blatant disregard of the law. Although the alimony may seem harsh on the earner and seem enable a parasitic dependence from the recipient ex, the court orders this through compassionate ideal of continued standard of living. Alimony is to ensure that
the maintenance of standard of living during marriage continues. This is merciful. If the earner loses his or her job and can no longer pay the alimony payments surprisingly the courts mercy and compassion vanishes. If you cannot pay the alimony due to being fired you can still be sent to jail in contempt of court where you will be in queue for yet another unsanctioned prostate exam. Unless the alimony is stated explicitly by the judge to be temporary or your former spouse shows mercy and relinquishes the alimony remarries, you will continuously have to pay a significant portion of your hard earned money to another adult human indefinitely. Until death do you apart….So once again the grim the final liberator.

As you look into your brides and marvel at her beauty, consider that the chances of this being successful are equal to that of a coin toss. It flips in the air flashing hypnotically with each rotation giving way to the next. Monogamy is a biological response to raising fragile offspring in a dangerous hunter gatherer world. We conquer our environment with farming and establish ownership of land. The process of monogamy becomes a legal contract we call marriage to secure heir-ship of property. Marriage is made virtuous. Through out you life you were told that marriage is the ultimate show of love. You meet her for the first time. You have sex with her for the first time. Her presence induces a dopamine response system every time you see her. She must be special. Surely, she must be magical no other girl could make you feel this. These thoughts go through your head and you conveniently forget how many countless times this same exact thought has gone through your head for different lovers in your past. Your brain pattern has been compromised. One day while sharing Eskimo kisses the madness causes you to say “I love you” she responds in kind while shedding tears of joy in your arm. Now you are in a serious relationship. Before you know it you are proposing on bended knee and offering a precious stone that some 9 year old African boy was probably gunned down getting it to the market. She says “yes, I will marry you”. Before you know it today you say “I do ” in front your family and friends.
19 years later the coin seems to be approaching its final flips before landing. you are in your early 40’s now and realize that your minds played tricks and that now that the spell of love has worn off your minds you guys actually loath each other. The sex has stopped for years. You are both quite repulsed by each other. You both find yourselves attracted to other people. The coin lands on Divorce. She had been a housewife during the entire marriage and has no working skills beyond various failed Tupperware pyramid schemes. You on the other hand have edged a moderate middle income of $60,000 as a construction carpenter. The Judge orders you to submit 50% of your income to her indefinitely. You’re carpenter so you are used to being betrayed and crucified so pay it off dutifully for years. During this you she is dating various people and often getting into very serious relationships but always stopping shy of marriage…bitch.

It’s been almost 10 years now; you haven’t seen her in years. Why should you anyways your payments are automatically debited from your paycheck. You are in your early 50’s. Not as fast you or strong as you used to be. Your back is worn out from a life time of labor. Your company decides to not renew your contract. Now you make zero income and cannot make the alimony payments. Neither the judge nor your ex shows any mercy. You are sent to jail contempt of court. Your cell mate is a large man that resembles Dwayne the rock Johnson. He has not stopped staring at you sense you got in the cell. As you reflect on your life you can’t help but laugh. Monogamy started off as an way of combining resources to raise offspring in perilous environment. You never even had children. You are laughing so hard you barely noticed that you are being mounted from behind by your large cell mate. Your cell mate, seemingly bewildered by your chuckling interrupts his gruesome assault to ask “hey what’s so funny?”
You respond ” > chuckle< well you see, I got married to a b*..”
“It doesn’t matter who you got married to…your ass is mine tonight!” he screams as he resumes his regularly scheduled activity.
Hmmmm…Maybe it is the Rock.

It doesn’t have to be like this brothers and sisters. Let’s end the glorification of an outdated institution. Let’s call “love” by its true name …codependent temporary insanity. If you find someone you wan to live with then live together but do it as long as both of you want to. If it is meant to be forever then it will continue with or without a legal contract keeping you together. Don’t ask for a hand in marriage! For god sake, don’t say “I do”!



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