I’m not talking about teachers, Firefighters, Cops or your parents. I’m talking about true cape wearing, bad guy beating up, and Justice crusading superheroes. As boy, I would often fantasize about becoming one when I grew up:
Would I some how win the lottery and get Superman powers by being hit by a lightening bolt or drink radioactive waste?
Would I Just train really hard and be the pinnacle of human athletic performance and be able to beat crowds of people?
Would I be some kind of gun toting anti hero that has impeccable aim and an inexplicably expensive arsenal?
As it turns out I grew up to be just another asshole with a keyboard and an internet connection. As bummed as I am because I can’t fly or shoot fire balls out dick I take comfort in know in I live in a world where it is impossible for anyone to be a superhero. Don’t believe me? Well allow me to take you on a journey through my very labored reasoning on such a benign subject…and now that I’m thinking about it I glad I don’t shoot fireballs out of my dick.
About True Superhero Powers
When fighting crime or defending the earth space invaders you better have some powers beyond that of mortal men. I’m talking about super speed, telepathy, steel skin. I’m talking about something you dispense an asskickin’ while being able to dodge or deflect damage to yourself. But after doing a cursory review of the great brain I call Google there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of superpowers. Sure there’s some people that can do really hard math problems really quickly, double jointed dude that so flexible they can bring his head to his ass, remember everyday of their lives since they were born and people that can pull trains with their teeth.
Those things are cool but finishing long division in your head is not going to stop bullets going though your head, smelling your own butt doesn’t solve mysteries( except for the mystery of the smell of you butt) and pulling a train with your teeth is impressive but hat makes about as powerful as a cow…Space aliens would turn you into a steak
Do Comics have Truly Average Human Superheroes
These are of the most well known two heroes with “no superpowers”. They are just highly trained normal men with determination and know how. If you were to list their feats abilities, the idea of them being normal evaporates and even their stated humanity is in question.
Batman is a master of 127 martial arts, can bench press 1000 pounds, and is a genius in Biology , chemistry, Information Technology. Chances are he probably banged your girl-friend. Well never mind the mind numbing level of focus it takes to achieve one of these abilities…where does he find the time to practice and master all these field. According to experts it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become a master of a given field which can be achieved in 8 years if you are really dedicated. How can Bruce find the time to master 127 martial arts styles and become an expert in Several different sciences. Its impossible. Bruce Wayne must have the power to warp time or something or brain that absorbs information quicker than
Punisher is a highly skilled war veteran with excellent aim and unquenchable desire to shoot criminals. “Well there you go!” you might say he has a gun this tool someone could use to deal out Justice. Well slow down Zimmerman! If you’ve ever read a Punisher comic you would know that this is more than just a guy with a gun. He has all the guns his inventory can put military base to shame….and some how he is able to hold multiple guns in both hands and shoot them all with impeccable aim. If you have ever shot a gun or played paint ball you become quickly aware of how hard is to aim a gun with only one hand and yet frank castle can clip the of whiskers of fly by blasting it with twin machine guns in each hand. He has been shot, stabbed, and blown up and is completely fine the next issue. There are people of have slipped while grocery shopping who had to have surgery and be in physical therapy for years before achieving recovery, and this guy can just brush off being a grenade blast l with a good nights rest. I’m calling bullshit.
About Crime ..ahem Crime Finding
The typical superhero comic book starts with the hero out on patrol. Usually this performed through parkour from city rooftop to roof top and striking a dramatic pose above gothic church. Then this moment of vanity is interrupted with someone screaming help! That’s right the hero has detected a mugging in progress. This is such a common opening to a comic book that you’d think that crime is just as commonly found like a Starbucks. The thing is most criminals are savvy about where and when to commit there trespasses.
Even cops usually seems to appear after the evildoers have escaped with the burlap sack of gold coins and they have a radio communication, and the advantage of having their numbers spread across the city. It’s so hard to find crime that investigations involve setting up sting and undercover operations to attract to attract guys and catch them in the act. That’s right to catch crime you have to take a progressive approach of finding out who the repeat offenders are, winning there trust, and then embedding yourself in their community and then may be maybe you’ll have get allowed a glimpse of the ne’er-do-wells putting on their ski masks as they enter the Circle K.
That being said finding crime can take months or years of gathering information. Patrolling the streets with in your shiny spandex suit and your thumb up ass waiting to be alarmed the sound of a screaming damsel or broken window…well my friend I think you will end up with sore sphincter and a rusty smelling thumb. Have snickers. You’ll be a while.